RP's from UHW

[wifebeater]

Wifebeater: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wifebeater topples over and continues to laugh.

Wifebeater: Ha, a women thinks she's as good as a man..best joke I heard today.

Wifebeater gets to his knees and tries to get up but the chair he was leaning on slides away and he falls on his face. The producer helps him up and opens another beer.

Wifebeater: You know, bitch, I don't care how many titles you won or how many titles your fucking boyfriends won because I'm going to kick your cunt ass. You're a fucking women you cunt. By definition you're weaker than men, and it's been proven for years. Women can't do anything better than men other than take a dick.

Wifebeater finishes off his beer and throws the can.

Wifebeater: Seriously, you're a dainty little girl. This UHW place is a fucking joke for letting you get in the ring with me, and if you beat me that's because I don't care enough. Really, this company is a piece of shit that I'm using to get a paycheck. Don't be suprised if I let you beat on me...I kind of get off on it, honey. So when you're in there punching me I'm probably going to have a huge hard on...maybe after the match you'll let my fuck you in the ass? I bet you like that, you look like a backdoor beauty to me.

Wifebeater finishes his last beer and throws the can. He pulls out a ciggarette and lights it up.

Wifebeater: So, I'm out of beer again. I guess that means Assualt is coming up real soon, so you better get ready. I got some advice: get an enema and wash that rotten stinky pussy of yours. I don't want to put my dick in a dirty shit filled whore, I want you to be clean when I fuck what little brains you have out of your purty little head.

Wifebeater walks out the door. He can be heard in the hallway talking to someone.

Wifebeater: It's so cute. She thinks she can compete with men. It's like a little baby with his toy steering wheel thinking he can drive. It's almost sad actually.

[wifebeater]

Wifebeater is seen walking into the empty locker room of Wench.

Wifebeater: Is it just me or does it smell like dirty pussy in here?

WB laughs his ass off and stumbles towards the lockers in the room. He drunkingly kicks the lock off of one of then and begins sifting through a bag. He pulls out a box of tampons.

Wifebeater: Heavy flow I see. I hope she doesn't do pull off any hurricanaranas or a leg scissors, I don't want to look like Carrie on Prom Night.

Wifebeater throws the tampons and digs out some lipstick. He smells it and takes a bite.

Wifebeater: Wow, this probably tastes just as bad as her pussy.

He spits the lipstick out and continues to dig through the bag. A huge ear to ear smile comes over his face and he looks over towards the camera.

Wifebeater: Get ready for the big reveal fellas!

WB holds up a pair of panties. They have a huge shitstain in the back.

Wifebeater: These MUST be Wench's!

He grins and buries his face in the croutch. You can hear him sniffing.

Wifebeater: Smells just like New Jersey! Reminds me of home actually.....I think I need to be alone in here.

The camera man begins to walk out of the room.

Wifebeater: See ya in a little bit, I'm gonna leave that loose whore Wench a LOAD of suprises.

[wifebeater]

Wifebeater is sitting in his office, which resides in the middle of an abandoned building that was once the home of Red Money Wrestling. He has a six pack in front of him on the desk with two one beer left and one in his hand. The camera man signals to him to begin.

Wifebeater: Hey, I guess this is my intro. That jackoff is pointing at me. My name is Wifebeater. They call me that because I beat the piss out of women. Of course, it's not because I don't like women, but because they deserve it. You know what I mean fellas..you ever just want that bitch to shut up, but she keeps yapping about child support and all that shit? I just pop the cunt in the mouth.

Wifebeater chugs the rest of his beer and tosses it at the wall.

Wifebeater: Anyways, I'm also a drunk. See, unlike most alchoholics I can admit it and I don't care. I tried to take the 12 steps, but after the first step I was done. They never told me it was 12 until I got there or I would've never went...my fucking family is always trying to put me into programs and doing interventions..hell, I've even had to throw A&E out of my house. You know anyone who's ever done that?

He picks up the last beer and opens it. A bunch of papers lay on the floor and some of them are blown across the warehouse by a gust of wind.

Wifebeater: My family, I need to tell you about them. First my wife, Hole. Yeah, I call her Hole. What's the big fucking deal? That's all she was to me, but now we're divorced. Thanks to that bitch I got a son named Jake. He's a huge pussy. Last time I wrestled it was for him. You see, the little dainty asswipe got paralyzed in a cage match and I had to fight his battles in this place called EW. Apparently I fucked up and got into with Mac Daddy Squid, but that's another story for another time. Before wrestling on his behalf, I used to be commisioner and World Champion of this RMW place. Actually, that's where this is office is. We used to run shows out of this hell hole.

Wifebeater finishes off that beer and tosses it at the wall as well. He scrambles through his desk to find more, but the well has run dry.

Wifebeater: Fuck. I'm out of beer AND money. Good thing I'm joining this UHW dump, huh? Apparently everyone from RMW is long gone, and I can't get the band together to run another show...so really, this is a last resort. I'm not joining the UHW to climb the ranks. I just need some fucking beer money, and I love kicking the shit out of idiots who are stupid enough to throw fists with me. It looks like Kill Crazy is that idiot.

Wifebeater stands up. He looks around and realizes he has to go get some beer.

Wifebeater: I'll see you fuckers on Assault, right now I got some shit to do. Until then, fuck you later. And fuck you very much for letting me do this interview here. Anyone with a brain wouldn't send expensive equipment into this condemed piece of shit like this.

WB grabs his keys and walks out the door of his old office. The camera breathes a sigh of relief and cuts the feed.

[wifebeater]

Wifebeater is standing at a podium with a crappy suit on. His tie is crooked and he has a cheesy smile on his face.

Wifebeater: I have been ordered by UHW to apologize for my recent promos, because they were too "offensive" and the UHW "fans" were turned off. Well, I have to say this...fuck it, fuck the fans, and fuck you Wench. The last thing I am going to do is stand up here and apologize to a women. You'll bitch no matter what I say, beause it's in your nature. By defininition you are a whining moody annoying whore.

Wifebeater whipes the sweat from his forehead.

Wifebeater: Man, these fucking lights..jeez. Tone it down a bit. Now, back to what I was saying..you think I'm scared of your faction? No way in hell bitch! Those guys are more whipped than slaves! I could take em all at once, and I could sure as hell take you! If you want I'll tie both my hands behind my back and defeat you with only my hard on.

The audience erupts into a frenzy.

Wifebeater: I gotta split cause shits getting out of control, but I'll be there at Assualt, and I'll probaby lose. It's politics man, and I don't write the results so you'll probably stomp me. If anything has been proven it's that I ain't cut out for the "mainstream". Hell, where I come from there are no rules, and I'll probaby be going back shortly, but while I'm in this shithole of UHW I'm going to piss as many people off as possible and I'm going to make you my little...

The audience storms the stage and Wifebeater is pummeld. Security rushes out and the fans begin to fight them as well. All hell has broken loose.

[wifebeater]

Wifebeater is still in the hospital.

Wifebeater: Sorry. Your name...I didn't know took your name from a childrens pirate movie. I admit that, I'm sorry. Now I'm prepared to take you even more seriously...

AHAHAHAHA

Wifebeater: Seriously whore, I don't care enough to do my homework on you. If you did your homework on me you would know that. Your little stable doesn't scare me, and neither does your Disney name. You are nothing more than a joke. Come on...you took your name from Pirates of the Carribean..come on, and after explaining that you expect me to even sweat you? It's not going to happen. Same with your little stable of guys named "Hellspawn" and "Dragon". It's like you guys had a fucking meeting in Hot Topic and decided to become wrestlers. Even if you beat me I'm still better than you based on how you got your name and how fucking stupid you guys are..dropping a house on someone...I still can't get over how stupid that sounds...

Wifebeater pulls a beer from his pocket and opens it up.

Wifebeater: On top of that, you think you can beat respect into me? HA! Again, if YOU would've done YOUR homework you would know I respect no one and nothing, and I never will. That's just the way it is toots. You could put me in a wheelchair, drop a house on me, and sword fight on my dead body with Johnny Depp and you would still be a joke to me and everyone else with a shred of dignity. Of course, you won't find any of those people here, but you know...

Wifebeater chugs the beer and throws the can to the floor.

Wifebeater: Anyways, I gotta split, but just get this straight. You can bring your cliche names and boring rants to Assault, but the fact of the matter is I don't give a shit what you do. Once the match is over I'm gonna go buy some fresh beer and get plastered whether I win or lose, and at the end of the day you're still going to be a lame walking cliche and I'm going to be a drunk asshole who likes to beat the ever loving shit out of women. Let's just end it there honey before things get too out of hand...

Wifebeater pushes the cameraman down and walks out.