Saturday Night Breakdown (Brand Split Episode Two)

[wifebeater]

The Priests are in the ring.

Kirk Sandler: Oh what the hell do they want now?

Eugene O'Hagan: Now that we have eradicated the Wifebeater from our RMW, wiped it clean as per Gods will, you all are in for a treat tonight. With no authority in tow we have no choice but to take over. Our qualifications come from God himself, who we speak with on a daily basis. We, as a group, are his voice in a troubled world. We speak his words, and we WILL perform his will! Unfortunately for you RMW fans, this will HAS to be imposed on you tonight! Per his request! God has asked us to not only eradicate the Wifebeater for good, but to eridicate the RMW itself! And the fans!

He laps up the boos

Eugene O'Hagan: What the means is that we're going to book...

The lights in the arena go out. When they come back on Wifebeater is standing there with a really thick and really big cane. He's smoking a cigarette and there are beer cans all over the mat. He is wearing some kind of fucked up warpaint:



Wiufebeater jumps into the air and fucking smashes the giant Zaabaar with the cane, knocking him off his feet and through the mat!

Kirk Sandler: HOLY FUCK! TIMBER!!!

WB swings the cane horizontally into the one of the priests head, swings it to the other side and smashes the other one. He's now standing alone with Eugene O'Hagan. Wifebeater is breathing heavily, spit flying out of his mouth. He looks more pissed than anyone has ever looked in the history of the world. He reaches back all the way into hell, and swings that cane with as much force as an unstoppable train.

Kirk Sandler: BAM

Eugene O'Hagan falls backwards into the ropes and bounces forward into another massive cane shot! Blood splatters into the air as the audience cheers. O'Hagan falls to the mat face first into a pool of his own blood, and probably the blood of everyone else. Wifebeater throws the cane down, pulls out a beer, and raises it in the air. The audience explodes into WIFEBEATER, WIFEBEATER chants. He chugs the beer to the admiration of the audience.

In-a-gadda-da-vida comes on and Mysterious X walks out onto the stage.

Kirk Sandler: What the hell is he doing here? This isn't his show!

X: I'm tired of you. I'm sick of the way you act around here. It's been 8 years of your bullshit and I can't take it anymore! Take a look at what this company has become; it's nothing! Because of you we've lost tv deals, dvd releases, merchandise, stock holders, and even fans!

Wifebeater grabs the mic from his hand.

Wifebeater: So what do you want? What was Red Money Wrestling before Wifebeater?

X: It was Regional Marquee Wrestling, a family show, and you were the fucking Super Warrior jerking the curtain.

Wifebeater: Then what X? Then what happened? Go ahead and tell em. Go ahead. What happened when Cannonball Hall and Farmer John weren't paying the bills?

X: Shut your goddamn mouth!

Wifebeater: Tell them about you rigging bouts and becoming the backstage bookie. Tell them about your little run ins with the mob. Hey folks, Red Money Wrestling wasn't the company name, it was a nickname given cause there was blood all over that man's hands! I guess it just stuck huh? Hardcore trash-tv was marketable and you exploited it. Now what X? Nobody wants this but these folks in the building. There ain't a dime of betting money on any of this, all you've got is the gate. If I walked out right now these people would be gone in a second.

The audience cheers.

X: I'd rather this place be dead than alive with the Wifebeater.

The audience boos.

Wifebeater: So what are you going to do? Bring back Seymour Peters, Mark Vance, and Mike Samples?

X: I am going to hurt you. I want to take you out for GOOD! I can't fire you, I can't kill you, but I CAN and WILL do what these idiots in the ring couldn't: I'm gonna destroy you. Super Warrior is going down.

Wifebeater laughs as he cracks open a beer. He lifts it up at X and smiles, then chugs it down. The audience is chanting Super Warrior and he's laughing his ass off.

Mysterious X throws down the mic and leaves the arena.

[wifebeater]

Kirk Sandler: And we're back from commercial folks. Our next bout is two debuts in the RMW arena!

2-Dope: Yo whatsup man this gonna be da shit.

Announcer: Currently in the ring, weighing in at 150lbs soaking wet...Tom Payne!

Kirk Sandler: He's a little skinny guy! He's wearing a an amateur wrestling outfit and gym socks. What is Wifebeater gonna cane thing kid?

The lights in the arena go dim, and turn blue.

Tom Sawyer by Rush hits over the PA system. A massive man with veins popping out comes out. He's wearing blue trunks, blue boots, white knee pads and a blue headband.

Kirk Sandler: My god...this company is going under.

Announcer: And making his way down the ramp, he's the Blue Bomber!

Blue Bomber is pointing all over the place and freaking out. He rips his shirt off and jumps onto the apron shaking the ropes.

2-Dope: That kid Payne might have a shot.

Bomber gets into the ring and foam is coming out of his mouth. He's breathing uncontrollably and shaking. He grabs the ropes and shakes them up and down. The lights stay blue but the bell rings. Bomber runs towards the kid and smacks him with a HUGE clothesline. Foam from his mouth sprays everywhere.

Kirk Sandler: This guy have rabies or road rage or what? He looks completely unheathly and out of fucking control here!

2-Dope: Dude that's a seizure of strength.

Bomber picks the kid up, military presses him over his head, and falls down with a huge slam! Bomber runs the ropes, jumps 10 feet into the air, and SLAMS his elbow into the kids chest!

1....2....3!

ding ding ding

Bomber runs the ropes back and forth as paramdedics rush into the ring. Tom Payne is bleeding from the ears, nose, mouth, and his eyes are in the back of head. Bomber keeps running the ropes until he clotheslines a paramedic. Then he just stands there shaking the ropes up and down just about snapping the cables.

Kirk Sandler: This is too much...of what I don't know. That kids probably dead, this dude is on PCP, and fucking 2-Dope just collapsed onto the floor.

2-Dope is lying face down. A puff of white dust fills the air as he fell.

Kirk Sandler: We'll be right back. I think.

[wifebeater]

I've beaten your biggest stars. I've fought them in bars and alley ways. But still I get no phone call. You don't want me? Well that will be your downfall. I will find my way into the RMW. I'm coming soon. The priests, the Money Man, all this bullshit and nonsense will be exectued with extreme prejudice.

I am Tommy Victor. My clock always blinks 12:00...

[wifebeater]

Backstage we see Scotty Payne rushing down the hallway. He pushes some staff aside and throws out a HUGE big boot to the side of the head of Blue Bomber! Bomber goes down. Payne picks him up and throws him through a plate glass window.

Scotty Payne: Don't fuck with my family you fucking shithead!

Payne looks as the camera man watching him and runs down the hallway. Bomber stands up with blood rushing down his face. He continues to shake and looks unfazed. Paramedics rush over to him and throws out a clothesline to one of them that sends the guy flipping! He reaches for the head of one of them and tosses him into a metal door. More paramedics and security tackle him to the ground, giving him some kind of heavy tranquilizer that sends him into a seizure.

Kirk Sandler: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THE GODDAMN COMPANY!

The feed cuts away.

Kirk Sandler: I mean..jesus christ. I'm getting word that the jobber out here was Scotty Payne's brother, but still..the kid is hurt bad, but you could see his fucking skull!

[wifebeater]

Back from commercial break

Kirk Sandler: I don't know where Scotty Payne is, but he hasn't left the building. There are reports that he was attacking random stage hands and throwing things in a fit of rage. We'll keep you updated as the evening goes on.

In the ring Mike Murder is standing with a microphone. There are two guys in flannel and jeans sitting in each corner.

Mike Murder: Hannibal, you want to talk shit about me and my dad, but you sit back there and hide behind a mask. Since you showed up you've been hiding behind that mask. You can blame my dad for funding drug wars or me for letting him, but until you show your face you're just a fucking coward with an empty tounge to me!

Hannibal comes out onto the stage and is talking and walking.

Hannibal: Show my face? I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of seeing what you've done to me.

Mike Murder: Well hold on there pussy. If you aren't going to show me your face then why don't you step into the ring here and show your manhood?

Hannibal climbs into the ring and stands across from Mike.

Mike Murder: One more thing...meet my friends, Layne & Kurt: The Heroin Brothers!

The two guys jump up to their feet and bum rush Hannibal. Mike kicks him in the nets as they rush, and punches him in the face repeatedly as they hold him against the ropes. He starts ripping at the top of the mask and exposes Hannibals forehead! Mike then kicks him in the gut six or seven times until he crumbles to his knees. Mike picks up the microphone.

Mike Murder: Scars? You want to see scars?

Mike motions for Layne and he pulls out a needle!

Kirk Sandler: Oh god this is sickening.

Layne takes the needle and jams it into the forehead of Hannibal! He rips it into his flesh and across his forehead, blood splashing all over the mat. Hannibal falls down into the pool of blood. Mike kicks him in the back of the neck 3 times and the three of them leave.

Kirk Sandler: Heroin Brothers? You've got to be kidding. I just...

Suddnely a trunk falls from the top of the titantron and smashes through the stage.

Kirk Sandler: What the fuck!

Up on top of the tron is Scotty Payne. The police and security are trying to stop his rampage.

Scotty Payne: He almost killed my fucking brother! No I won't calm the fuck down!

Suddenly one of the security guards, who's in riot gear, lunges forward and cracks him across the face with a billy club. The rest of the guards pounce on him and drag him away, but suddenly Anarchist jumps from the rafters onto the group of them!

Kirk Sandler: Anarchist is back!

He stands up pumping his fists excited he helped his buddy, and turns around into the lone security guard. The lone guard picks him up in the air over his head in a miltary press.

Kirk Sandler: That's..that's Richard Johnson! THE Security Guard!

Johnson runs towards the edge of the tron and tosses Anarchist! Anarchist gracefully falls 40 feet through the air like a rag doll and lands through a pyramid of tables set up for some gimmick match later in the evening.

Kirk Sandler: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! HE KILLED HIM! HE KILLED HIM!

Johnson stands tall on the titantron and holds his arms in the air. The rest of the security drag Scotty Payne away. Paramedics rush to the aid of Anarchist, who is possibly dead.

[wifebeater]

Tank is backstage with some new interviewer kid.

Interviewer: Mr. Tank, what are your thoughts on what Scotty Payne's actions this evening?

Tank: Obviously he is pissed. Bomber about killed his brother out there. But Scotty can't keep his cool and never could..if you look at it with a level head, it was Scotties little brother who signed up for the match. He knew what he was getting in to. Now our match is off.

Interviewer: What as the match?

Tank: Payne was supposed to wrestle a tag team match against me tonight but now that ain't gonna happen. I'm not saying he weaseled his way out of this match, but I am saying he's not focused on our match at all at the upcoming PPV, and going in to Nukenet unfocused is a deathwish.

Interviewer: How do you think Blue Bomber is going to play in all of this, and Anarchist?

Tank: Well Bomber has every right to retaliate against Payne, and hell I bet we'll see that next week, but if you think for one second he's going to join our title match then you're a fool. I earned his shot. It's me vs Payne, we're going to settle this one on one, and nobody is going to fuck with that. Payne and Bomber can fight all they want, but at the PPV it's me and him and that's it.

Interviewer: And what about Anarchist?

Tank: He was just thrown 40 feet to his death! That idiot fucked me out of my TV belt once before, and I took him out. He came back tonight and Johnson took him out. He's only good for a cheapshot, and it looks like he just ran out.

Suddenly Scotty Payne smacks Tank across the back with a steel chair. He beats him mercilessly as he lies on the ground. The security guards grab him by the arms and drag him away.

Scotty Payne: Don't think I forgot about you Tank! Don't think for a fucking second that I've forgotten about you!

He is drug away as Tank lays on the floor holding his back.

[wifebeater]

Kirk Sandler: Well Payne is just going crazy tonight huh? We were going to have a tag team pyramid table death match, but in light of recent events that can not take place. Instead I've gotten word we will have "The Questionnaire" Gilbert Webster take on Arsenal. What a main event huh?

Announcer: In the ring to my left, from Greenhill, Missouri, weighing in at 344 lbs...Arsenal!!!

Arsenal is in all black attire with a warning symbol on his tanktop. The fans cheer and throw caution tape like they usually do streamers.

Kirk Sandler: Hmm...new gimmick I guess?

Announcer: To my right, hailing from Mystery, Ohio. Tipping the scales at 163lbs....he is "The Questionnaire" Gilbert Webster!

The bell rings and Gilbert runs at Arsenal with a clothseline, but he bounces off of him like a cartoon. Gilbert gets up and runs the ropes with another clothesline which sends him onto his ass. He shakes it off and runs the ropes again, bounces back, and SMASHED with a huge chop! He's lying flat on the mat. Arsenal puts his foot on his chest.

1...2....3!

The bell rings and Purple Haze hits. Arsenal taunts to the fans who throw more caution tape into the ring.

Kirk Sandler: Well that was quick!

A security guard in riot gear walks out from behind the curtain and down the ramp. Arsenal turns around to watch him comes into the ring.

Kirk Sandler: That's Richard Johnson again! He just returned tonight!

Arsenal looks confused but doesn't back down. Johnson steps back and reaches for his helmet.

Kirk Sandler: Oh my...

Johnson takes the helmet off to reveal a balcalva! Arsenal's eyes are wide open in disbelief.

Kirk Sandler: IT'S CANNONBALL HALL! CANNONBALL HALL! CANNONBALL HALL!!! OH MY GOD HE'S CANNONBALL HALL!!!!!!

The arena is fucking SHAKING and all the fans are on their feet cheering and rumbling the stands! The RMW logo comes up in the corner, and the show fades to logo with CANNONBALL HALL in the ring!!


RMW (c)